CHILD PROOF

Child proof lids aren't so child proof if you don't put them on correctly.  Seems simple enough, but when you're awoken with only one hour of sleep to a crying, cranky, teething toddler at 3AM in the morning, one tends to forget these things.  Or at least I did when I forgot to tighten the children's Tylenol lid after a failed attempt to medicate you. 

Later that morning, you decided to medicate yourself...with almost the entire bottle of Tylenol.  A quick call to poison control and we were on our way to the all too familiar ER.  One cup of chocolate flavored liquid charcoal, 5 hours of waiting, and one blood test later, you were merrily back on your way home.  The chocolate charcoal concoction did its trick. 

Three ER trips and counting.  Child protective services is bound to make a trip to our house any day now...

DR. MOM

We're up to 2 ER visits and counting.  This time it was a staph infection that had to be incised and drained. 

Your dad sat this one out on the sidelines, but I got to help out.  The nurse and doctor asked if I was doing OK as I held you down because I must have been giving them a funny look.  That funny look?  The realization that the entire procedure they performed  was exactly what I do to my own patients, but on a smaller scale and on the other end of the body.  But I didn't tell them that. 

ELEPHANT MAN

Every parent dreads this day, but it inevitably happens sooner or later.  The dreaded trip to the ER.  It only took you just under 8 months for this big event.  This was our first of what will probably be many trips to the ER with you.  A tumble off the bed and head-first on to the hardwood floor, makes for a very unhappy baby and a long night at the ER. 

Not that you hadn't taken some ugly looking falls before, but this time it was really ugly.  Ugly enough for your dad to to make me come home in the middle of a movie night out with the girls.  By the time I got home, your swollen forehead bared a similar resemblance to this guy...

With all that swelling, you could have easily passed for the Elephant Man's illegitimate child.  A few tests and one CAT scan later, you were in the clear to go home. 

Your dad feels he let you down.  Not only for letting this happen and not being able to break your fall, but for the fact that he's convinced you had to have just lost a few IQ points and the thought of any academic college scholarship has now just gone out the window.  I think that as long as you stay away from drugs, alcohol, and sex (for that matter) during high school, any IQ points lost now will even out then and we're back on track!

(Not so bad looking a day later)